Staff Core Values: Trust
We are open and honest –
we say the last 10%.
{Instead, speaking the truth in love, will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is head, that is, Christ. –Ephesians 4:15}
“The color of this pen is rrrrrrrrrrrrrr… rrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR… RRRRRRRRRRRRR ROYAL BLUE!!!!” You may or may not recognize that line from a famous scene in the classic movie Liar Liar. Jim Carrey’s character (who is a perpetual liar) has just discovered that all of the sudden he is unable to tell a single lie. Not only that, he can’t even keep himself from blurting out what he is thinking, however insulting or ridiculous it might be.
In this scene, he is determined to tell a lie. He picks up a blue pen and tries with all of his might to declare that it is, in fact, red. Despite his strenuous efforts, he cannot. (Sidenote: If you have never seen this movie, google “pen scene from Liar Liar”… You can thank me later.)
Ok, so the movie Liar Liar is obviously an extreme, exaggerated, comical anecdote for always telling the truth, but there is still something about it that can really make you think.
For example, imagine if – going about your day-to-day life – you were incapable of telling a lie. Not only that, imagine if your filter was gone and you said everything that you were thinking! How drastically different would your life look?
For some of us, the thought of saying everything we’re thinking in our heads all of the time is one of the most horrifying things we can imagine. Why? Because perhaps many of us are so accustomed to never saying everything that we are thinking, especially in situations of conflict. Maybe we say most of what we want to, but there’s always that last little bit that is left unsaid – the last 10%, if you will.
Why? Why do we tend to only say 90% when we have conflict in our relationships? Why don’t we say the last 10%? Perhaps because we feel like the 90% is safe, and that the last 10% may not be. In fact, the last 10% is just downright scary.
As a staff at NLC, we always want to have a culture of trust because trust is the foundation of every healthy team. And trust means being open and honest with each other. We have to trust each other enough to say the last 10%. Yes, it’s awkward. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes more work. But we believe it is worth it.
In fact, we believe that it is crucial to the health of the team and the individual to say the last 10%. Why? Because it is in the last 10% where conflict is most likely to occur, and we need to deal with it in a healthy way.
Here are three ways that we cultivate trust as a staff:
- We engage in healthy conflict.
We recognize that there are many different ways people handle conflict. Some people shut down. Some people explode. Other people fall somewhere in-between. More than likely, the way we handle conflict as individuals is in large part dependent on how our family handled conflict growing up. As a result, perhaps some of us have developed some unhealthy tendencies when it comes to handling conflict. Maybe we realize it, but maybe it has become second nature.
All that to say, since we recognize that conflict is ultimately inevitable, we want to clarify our expectations when it comes to engaging in healthy conflict. So what are practical ways to engage in healthy conflict?
- Define the problem and stick to the issue.
- Pursue purity of heart.
- Plan a time for the discussion.
- Affirm the relationship.
- Listen carefully.
- Forgive
- Propose a solution.
- We keep short accounts when offended.
Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”
When we are offended, our first step always needs to be going directly to the person who offended us. If Joe hurt your feelings, don’t go talking to Bob, Jan, Sally, or Phil about it before you talk to Joe. Don’t share it as a “prayer request” with Johnny over a pumpkin spice latte. Don’t post a vague, immature status on Facebook like “Well, I never saw that coming.”
No! Go directly to the person who offended you. Why? Because the more people you talk to before you talk to the person who offended you, the more you break down trust and create division.
In our world, where everyone has email, smart phones, Facebook messaging, and hundreds of Emoji characters to choose from, we have to be extremely careful about communicating about conflict via email or text. A good rule of thumb is that if a message or email you receive elicits emotion, you should wait 24 hours to reply. When you do email them back, respond with a simple message to the effect of, “Thanks for your email. I would like to meet about this. When are you available?” Why not save the five bucks at Starbucks and just say what you want to say over email? Because when it comes to email or texting, people can’t see your heart, leaving way too much room for misinterpretation and miscommunication.
- We have the hard conversations in a timely manner.
Don’t wait. When we wait, the conflict at hand doesn’t magically disappear. In fact, many times, the longer we wait to deal with conflict, the hairier and messier it gets.
To clarify, we aren’t saying that if someone offends you, you should confront that person the millisecond after it happens. Use wisdom. Wait long enough that you aren’t extremely emotionally charged. Approach the conversation as clear-headed as possible. Only then are you most likely to handle conflict in a way that builds trust.